Oh So Posh Peacock: January 2015

My People Have the Effin’ Flu

6:52 AM
By Unknown
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It’s inevitable. It happens almost every year. It starts out slow. At first you’re not even sure what’s happening. But then it hits you like a ton of bricks. Your kids have the flu. The mother effin’ flu.

It’s just so awful. I remember being childless and having the flu. It was so bad. But not as bad as having to take care of my people when you’re not sure if you even have it or not, it's the worst, the NOT KNOWING....especially when I'm begging and praying I'm not gonna get it!!! .

It all began on Saturday night. Of course, Nathan walks in and says his head, throat, and body hurts. Then I saw the look.

You know the look. The one that says I’m bout to hafta to go bed for days Mom, and can you be at my beck and call look??

When they’re little, it’s so scary. They don’t understand what’s going on. But when they are older they totally get it, and even worse....They pass it along faster!!!! Ugh

So two days pass before he gets to the doctor and of course he's positive for the flu... Not a sign of another kid in sight of getting it. Then two more days pass and Kate starts in with the throat thing and then she can barely talk, by Wednesday she's positive for the flu! I knew it, another one down...Abandon ship!!!

Deep in my heart, I knew it was coming. Now when is it going to hit the third child?? Two more days?? I shutter, by Friday we will know.....

Holy Mary Mother of God. What in the hell happened here, I keep my house pretty clean and now I've got Clorox wipes everywhere wiping everything down, Lysol is my best friend!!! I'll be honest, I'm kinda a mad woman with the wipes and hand sanitizer.

Clearly Brooklyn's going to get it, I'd almost bet on it, but for now she is currently my favorite.

The older ones are insanely crabby, tired, coughing, sneezing, and relentlessly calling for "MOM". So pleasant to be around. And this is where life starts to suck, just a little, but enough to make you wanna run in the opposite direction of your children and your house, because it's infected!!! Abort abort!!!

For now Mark and I and Brooke are okay, but I'm sure within the week we will all suffer at it's mercy. I'm off to grab masks, vitamin C boost, more Clorox wipes, hopefully get some Tamiflu, and a bunch of thin mints...Cause I'm sure I'll be next, but I'm doing everything to prevent this horrid stuff from getting to the rest of us!!!

My son is driving and I wanna puke

10:38 AM
By Unknown
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A Dirty Secret

1:17 PM
By Unknown
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The story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.*

My name is Tara, um, I mean it’s Sara (forgot I was protecting the innocent here). Anyway, I live in the rough and tumble world of the suburbs. You know the 'burbs. Places people dream about. A house. A small yard. Clean air. Room for kids to play. You get the jist....

Well those ‘burbs are no picnic if you are a mom like me.

Yes, you know moms just like me. Slightly chubby. Mom hair. Mom car. I draw the line at mom jeans though, just so you know. Ahem. Moving on. I have great kids, and a good life, and even a Yorkie.

And one very dirty secret.

I’m addicted to Girl Scout cookies. Seriously. I can’t stay away. They are like crack to me. Every year around this time, evil troops of Girls Scouts plan their cookie selling routes and they always, always include my house or where I shop or where I'm walking, they are literally everywhere.

Oh, I try to avoid them. I mean, my intentions every February are to stick to My New Year’s diet plan. But when those little girls come around, their little arms piled high with all kinds of yummy treats…well, who am I to turn them down? Seriously, people. They are so dang cute – all those boxes and boxes of cookies. Yeah, yeah, the girls are cute too.

I try to resist but I can’t. So I buy them. Boxes and boxes of Thin Mints and Samoas. And of course, I eat them. Boxes and boxes of Thin Mints and Samoas. EAT.THEM.ALL.

And sometimes, my kids or Mark...um, I mean Marc, hide them from me. They are not trying to hurt me. They are just trying to help me. They see me when I come down from my Thin Mint-induced sugar high. All wide-eyed and looking to score a Samoas or even a Lemonades. Shaking because I can’t even find a dang tag-a-long in the pantry.

But I can find the dealers. They hang out on the street corners near my house. Oh they say they’re playing and riding bikes, but I know the truth. They are waiting for moms like me. I find a cute one missing her front teeth. I pull up next to her in my mom car and silently pass her $4, all folded and rolled, my eyes searching to make sure the local workout moms don’t catch me in my shameful act. The cutie with no front teeth reaches into her backpack, slips out a box of Thin Mints and I take them, even though I already have 3 boxes at home, I must hide them quickly!!!

Yes, I’m that desperate.

Only one thing sustains me. It will soon be over. Cookie season will be done and gone and after I detox from all the sugar, I’ll be back to normal. Of course, my pants size will never be the same again. But that’s a small price to pay for the deliciousness that is the Thin Mint.